I wish I could stop feeling so goddamned jaded. Every time I think about romance or hear a schm00py song, I want to cry. I can't believe that shit is effecting me so much. Maybe b/c I let my guard completely down - for the 1st time in almost 19 years? That, deep down, I realized just how much stock I really put into the concept of "true love"? That, despite my cynicism, I really am just a lost half of a soul, desperately seeking for the other half to complete me?Only to be let down... again. I really am starting to think that was my last attempt to find that Someone who would complete me. Maybe my soul had preordained this fruitless mission only to further compound my doubts about love & romance.
I still want to cry - let out all this pain. This anguish, this torment -- but, no. I must keep it locked up. I have to just trudge thru life bearing the weight of this PLUS all my other inner-torments. And suffer silently - b/c that is where my inner resolve is truly fueled.
No more searching -- back to just research. Experience has created a cold spot in what was a warm hearth. No more allowing myself to be duped or deceived - EVER AGAIN.
-FT
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